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Cake day: August 4th, 2023

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  • Pulling out all your money or selling your home and possessions would give you away. And a pauper with a boat would be a red flag for any investigator. You’d have to be willing to give it all up. Your family would have to believe you died.

    A better option would be to slowly siphon off money and be seen frequenting a casino, or become known as a drug addict. Once you’ve liquidated everything and racked up tons of debt, fake a suicide. Become aberrant or hyper-religious/political. Tell everyone that you’re going on a hike to “find yourself” or that you’re volunteering to fight in Ukraine. Never come back.
















  • lemmefixdat4u@lemmy.worldtoMemes@lemmy.mlWhich pill do you choose?
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    9 months ago

    Assuming that the red pill lets me revert to a 6YO (thus preserving my knowledge), and not time traveling back to when I was 6, I might be tempted to do a lot of unethical stuff to make a ton of money, provide for my family, convert the remaining assets to BTC, memorize the wallet details, then take the red pill. As a 6YO, the government can’t hold me responsible for my adult conduct.

    If it’s a time travel situation, there’s no contest. Red pill after studying the history of inventions. Start out by inventing the Pet Rock (near zero initial investment), reinvest in the fidget spinner, Pokemon, D&D, and writing the scripts to all the blockbuster movies. Provide technical details to the right industries for a royalty. Invest heavily in the creation of the Internet, then start Facebook, Google, and Amazon, bypass the PC and jump straight to smartphones. I’d be the patent king of the world.

    With the trillions of dollars, I’d heavily influence politics. I’d fully fund the campaigns of moderates, institute free Internet-based accredited college, set up work training programs to support industries I intentionally locate in depressed areas, and make most of my business non-profit. And maybe, just maybe, avoid the cesspool we have today.

    Edited for spelling


  • I love my bidet. Since the bidet came into my life I feel unclean after using a non-bidet toilet, even after using wet wipes. Imagine never having monkey-butt (an itchy asshole}. No more skid marks either.

    Others have described the normal use of a bidet. I’m here to tell you about advanced bidet techniques. The first is learning the mini enema. You need a bidet with a water jet nozzle. Position yourself so the jet hits the bullseye. Slowly raise the water pressure until it starts filling your rectum with water. This is the hard part - relax. Your initial response will be to clinch shut the ol’ brown eye. When full, turn off the water and let loose in the bowl. Repeat as needed. This cleanses the rectum and prevents those times when you feel like there’s still some poop up inside that won’t come out (because there is). It also prevents anal leakage that produces butt butter.

    Once you’ve mastered the mini enema, you can use the technique to battle constipation. Squirt some water in that stuffed up bunghole, fill up, hold it in, stand up, then sit down and enjoy the relief.

    It also provides immediate relief from a burning irritated bowel caused by eating Atomic Hot Wings from Wingstop.

    Finally, the feminine wash setting is not just for women! After a sweaty workout where you don’t have time for a proper shower, use it to wash your balls. That prevents itchy balls and the embarrassment of being caught scratching them.